So here I am again. Still trying?
Deep inside, I feel like running away. I am running away from a lot of things as I write this. Part of me wishes things to just vanish. And another part is trying so hard to pull me out of this hell hole and push me forward.
I knew from the start that I will stop at some point. The last time I wrote here was a year ago. When I thought of making this blog, I had a lot of ideas. I said I'd be braver, I'd be more honest especially with myself. No guilt. No filters.
But well, it's been a year and I feel like back from the start.
It's not really the not writing on here that's bothering me. It's that I see it as yet another evidence of my failures. I do still write. But I had planned this to be more of a practice of being open, being vulnerable. Being authentic.
And like every thing else I tried, I stopped. I got lazy. I lost motivation. I got scared.
I ran away.
A lot of things has changed already since last year. Except for me and the things that I feel.
I moved back home. I had my room built, with a lot more space than the apartment I lived in last year. Looking back now, paying for that tiny space was too expensive for me. I don't regret it though. I got to really experience living alone for myself so I have an idea for next time. I'd want to do it again, but with more financial planning next time.
I didn't complete the goals I had last year by the way. Another reason I feel shitty looking back. I feel embarassed. I feel guilt and shame.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm living while floating. Like I see all these things I did and they don't feel real. And it makes me want to punch my face and want to crawl out of my skin then evaporate.
I got a new job. And I keep telling myself everyday to not screw it up. It was better than last year objectively speaking. But I always feel like this. I'm losing motivation yet again. I honestly don't know what needs to happen to make it feel less... idk.. less than what I always feel. But here I am still.
Because I don't really have much of a choice. At the start, I felt excited and relieved to have a new job, and with higher pay than the last. But I was always cautious.
Because I knew how it will go already. I know my tendencies better now that it's not that exciting anymore. Or is it just a self fulfilling prophecy?
I still want to run away. I guess that's just how it's gonna go for me.
But as I said, I'm still trying. I'm trying to get by everyday. It really feels so difficult to be honest. I want it to just stop a lot of times. I feel like I got better at just pretending the older I get. I don't know.
I'll still try. Whatever that means anymore.