For most of my life, I was always questioning if what I do might not be the "right" thing to do or the right way to do it. I always try to go with the flow. Follow rules. Try to blend in as much as possible. Avoid any form of confrontation. Just agree with anyone. Don't ask questions.
When I go to a friend's or relative's house, I always question in my head how to say hello to people the right way. I go home wondering if people might have found me a bother or they're mad at me for something.
After a conversation with someone, I'd replay it in my head before I sleep and wonder if I was impolite or I might have said something wrong and offended people. I was good at reading the room. I would adjust my personality based on who I'm around.
I feel like my whole life was fabricated.
It was a very exhausting way to live. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.
My childhood to early adult life was spent trying not to piss off anyone.
I was always so scared to voice out my thoughts. I believe that it has a lot to do with my upbringing. Watching your steps carefully all the time. Avoiding anything where you have the potential to make a single tiny mistake. Because a mistake, no matter how small, was punished unreasonably. And I have learned to live to be a good girl all the time.
I carried that to adulthood.
I never felt authentic around anyone. It's like I was just playing a role.
And I'm so sick of that. I'm so sick of living like I just exist to not piss off anyone by being who I am.
I realized that this trying to make peace and wanting to please everyone is rooted from the belief that I didn't deserve to take up space. That I need to earn respect first, to reach some kind of position for my voice to matter or even be heard.
But I realized as an adult and after having met a few people in school, in work, from my travels is that everyone is different. And if we all try to please everyone, we will never be good enough. It's just impossible to fit in all the molds.
I want to just be me. I want to feel real.
I had friends in the past that I still keep in touch with but there's always this feeling like when I talk to them, I have to remember the things they knew about me. And act accordingly.
For one, I have become an atheist. But my friends from my previous life still think I was that girl that goes to church every sunday and never curses.
I am not that person anymore. I have changed. And I actually like this version of me way way better than who I used to be.
Maybe there's still that fear that if they found out, I'm gonna get into some trouble.
But isn't some trouble worth being able to live authentically?
Holding lots of information of your past version is just exhausting.
I want a revamp. I want to start allowing myself to just be me as I am. No filters to please anyone.
I am not the type of person to go around convincing people to be different than who they are. I am in no way an activist for my beliefs or anything like that.
I live by "live and let live" philosophy.
But it seems like I don't apply that to myself.
I should allow myself to live freely.
I am not just talking about my beliefs or lack of when it comes to religion. In fact, that's just a tiny piece of it.
I'm talking about saying I don't like something when I don't instead of letting them believe I was okay with it.
I'm talking about saying no and not feeling the need to make up excuses or justify why I don't want to do something.
I'm talking about saying my opinions when I was asked in the first place.
I'm talking about following up on a late payment from a client or a late salary.
I'm talking about calling out things that are not right instead of fearing that I'll get into trouble.
Honestly, lots of them seem little and for others might be normal. Like I will not complain if there's a fly on my lemon juice or a staple on my cassava cake. I'll just leave and hope not to get sick. They both happen in real life! And just a few days ago, I found a fly on my coffee drink and I did the same. I left. I justified it by thinking, a refund will not change anything. What if they didn't believe me? I will just waste my time talking to the staff. I'm not in the mood anymore and I want to just go home.
But looking back, I know I deserve a clean food. I know that I didn't get what I paid for and I might potentially get sick too.
I think in the end, it's really all about believing that I deserve better from myself too. I should be my own advocate.
I am an adult now. And I am able to take care of myself all on my own. My survival doesn't depend on anyone anymore. I should not act like it anymore.
I am free now. I have my own thoughts, my own beliefs, my own likes and dislikes. And I should respect that. I should respect me.
I deserve respect. I don't have to earn it.
I deserve to take up space in this world.