Sometimes, I just really feel like giving up. I will write these encouraging letters to myself while feeling like I'm just lying because I've seen it all played out before. I never win.
I wonder why I keep trying.
I always lose the battle with myself. I always put myself in situations I don't like. Almost like I love it but not knowing why. Maybe like an addiction I don't know I have. Because if it wasn't, then why do I manage to get here somehow? I don't like it, but I end up doing things that put me here. It's all my fault that's for sure.
It's just so difficult sometimes you know. I want a peaceful life, but I do the opposite.
I feel just so messed up. Like maybe I'm just destined to be like this. I deserve the shit I am in. Cuz I myself did it. There's nothing else to blame.
I am so tired of me. I get stressed out at the little things. I wake up dreading everything that would happen. I dread work. I dread that a neighbor might knock on my door for anything. I want to move out of my apartment because I hate these requirements for meetings. Like I just wanna be left alone, I don't want to get to know anyone. I don't plan to stay for long. There's no need to participate. I don't like work involving lots of people, yet there's nothing else I know how to do. I can't quit just yet. But I also know that no matter where I am, I am just gonna feel like this anyway. Like there's no way out of this shit.
I just feel pressure all the time. Like somethings pulling at my chest and pushing on it at the same time from the moment I wake up till I sleep.
It makes me want to quit everything and live in a jungle. Just so I have an excuse to not be reachable. So no one will expect anything of me. Even catching up with friends exhaust me. I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. Except for all the mess I feel inside. And I don't believe anyone has to know about it. I don't really have any goal for talking about it with anyone anyways. I don't feel relief with the thought that someone knows. It just doesn't help at all.
I feel like I ran out of solutions already. My brain just doesn't work anymore. I can rot in bed all day. Just let time pass till it's dark and I can finally sleep so I won't have to think anymore.
It's always just like that. I don't really care anymore about anything, maybe just aside from surviving in the literal sense. Cuz it seems like that's the only thing I can do. Just breathe and eat and sleep.
I really don't understand why else would you be doing anything more. Like that's all there is to do. And you know what, when I look back to my younger self, I couldn't relate to that person anymore. I honestly can't comprehend why I used to be that hopeful person. I think I was always the half empty kind of person. But before, I did try hard to figure things out, to get out of that hell hole.
Now, I just accept it. The glass is always gonna be half empty if not empty at all. I've collected a ton of proof that it is. I stopped googling for tips on how to do better at this and that. I don't care anymore if I get a medal or not. Like I don't really even participate in the race anymore. I don't see the point. Unless it puts food in the table and keep the roof above my head, I just can't tolerate anything anymore.
I stopped caring about labels and appearances and statuses. It's just ironic because my younger self was aiming for that all along. To be that kind of person who didn't care about anything that didn't matter. She used to be so self conscious. Loved being alone but didn't want to be seen alone cuz what would people think. She was so scared to be an outcast but wanted to be real. She wanted to achieve things, be successful but didn't want to conform. But still, she tried to figure out how to get it done. She read books, search things, seek for advice.
But now, she's gone. Like who the fuck cares how you look. Who the fuck cares if you don't have all the latest gadgets and have nice clothes or whatever to appear you somehow leveled up in life. Like what the fuck level up even means? Who set the fucking critera? Who set the rules? Who's grading who?
I just feel like it's all bullshit. Everything that we tried to do better at, all the trying to be good at life is all pointless. Because there's really no criteria to check your progress against. Which just means it's all bullshit and made up. We all made shit up. I don't know why we do it.
It's like a collective delusion. Life is. It can be anything. It just so happens you are at the place you are and you have to follow the rules. You were taught to believe in certain ways, at certain things. Laws made up that don't make sense. Everything that don't make sense. It can be anything and you just need to have enough people to believe it and live that as the criteria. It really all is a delusion. Majority wins.
I think now that that's just what life is. It's all just coming up with something as your criteria. It's all assignment. And it's all fucked up.
I hate feeling so powerless because it means I have to conform to others criteria. That's how it's always been. That's how it's been for a lot of us. Those who didn't have power are all gonna go without even knowing how it feels like to live in your terms. It's all just been set up the moment we're born. Free will don't really do much. When it's not how the world is set up. It's useless.
You have to have already have the tools the moment you're born to work around this kind of world, to be able to bear it. If not, you're just doomed. And there's nothing you can do about it. And then you have those people you pay to tell you you can do more. But in reality, you're just paying for the ego boost, to be told you're special. You're not.
That's how the world is set up. It's fucked up and it's doomed. I think my younger self was just too naive to see that or accept it. It's just reality. The reality that has been set many many years ago. And it's just getting worse and worse.
Yet here we are still.