I've always felt like I was not doing life right.
One of the things that made me feel like this was the fact that I can't decide what it was I really want in life. (Hint, I still don't know.)
I remember, at 18, I was feeling very desperate because I was still not sure then who I wanted to become. I didn't feel comfortable using the word 'passion' when introducing myself because it felt fake to me.
Sure, there were things I was interested in(a lot actually) but I'd always feel like it's not 'it'.
Like I was just lying to myself, making something my thing for the sake of having a 'thing'. I knew all too well I'll change my mind. It was only a matter of time.
Then I turned 20, 23, 25 and now close to 30! The clock was ticking and I still haven't figured it out yet? What's wrong with me?
I had this belief that there has to be something I'll find someday and I would feel that fire burning inside me and it will never stop ever again.
I would enjoy doing something, thinking 'this might be my passion' but it's always short-lived. Then I started to see the pattern. I'd be so into something, almost obsessed about it, until one day I'm not anymore.
When I started learning to play guitar, I would practice the moment I wake up and before I sleep every single day for the first few months. I'd even thought that maybe someday, I'll be a guitarist. But that someday never happened. I felt that I've reached the peak of my obsession and I moved on to the next shiny thing. Tried piano, ukulele, kalimba. Tried to draw. I'd even put my initials on my drawings haha. At some point, I was so obsessed with reading and said I was gonna be a writer. I did start writing then decided it sucked and burned all the papers. I started different kinds of blogs and programming projects among all the others I started and dropped after a while.
I wanted to do many more things. I wanted to be a photographer, a designer, a psychologist, maybe a swimmer too. And many many more. But every time I think of something, or tried something, I'd automatically feel that sense of panic. What if it's not my passion for the rest of my life? I have to know!
Luckily, in college, I found programming and I told myself I was going to be a web developer. This was going to be my dream job. Finally!
Fast forward four years after that aha moment, I got a job as a web developer. But.. there's still that itch inside me. I was still looking for something.
And worse, I realized I was never great at anything. I felt just average on everything.
I started searching about it and I found the terms like dabbler, scattered brain, fickle, next shiny thing syndrome and others that all seem to suggest that if you have no focus, you're just never gonna succeed. Period.
Maybe I'm just a lazy person. Maybe I have a fear of commitment or whatever. Maybe I was just doomed to fail at anything.
Of course I wanted to be good at the things I do. In fact, I wanted to be good at a lot of them, if not all. But that belief that I can only choose one made me feel desperate to keep looking for the one. It's like I needed to know first that this can be my passion before I put all my energy into it, which never felt like it's gonna happen ever.
While looking for some more answers a couple years ago, I stumbled upon a TED talk of Emilie Wapnick and heard the term "multipotentialite" for the first time. It means a person with many interests and passions coined by Emilie Wapnick, a multipotentialite herself. I immediately read her book "How to be Everything" and it resonated with me a lot! I felt like a thorn was taken off my chest after many years.
A lot of pressure was taken off of me. So it's actually okay to want to do many things? It's okay to have more than one passion contrary to what I've always believed growing up?
I'm so thankful and relieved for knowing that there are people like me, struggling like me, still looking for answers like me. And most importantly for knowing it's okay to be like me. My feelings are valid.
I picked up the piano and started learning again. I started doing guitar arrangements too(still learning). I've bought crafting materials and created notebooks, ref magnets, stickers, wall arts and journals. And even sold some of them! There's no pressure like before. I know that most of the things I do will not be converted into a source of income. And I don't have to be super good at them. Hobbies are supposed to be fun!
I still work as a web developer which is my main source of income, and work as a customer support part time(which I never thought I'd ever do).
After learning about multipotentialites, I realized that I can stay at things longer than before and I feel more confident that I can improve. How ironic. Because there is no pressure to be sure that what I'm doing is my one thing. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time on something that I enjoy doing even if it's not some passion you can turn into an income source. Because it's one of my things.
I felt I was given permission to just be me.
My life did not turn 360 degrees overnight after that, no. I'd still, from time to time, wonder if life would have been easier if I stuck with something from the very start. I'd still have those moments where I felt I was just going to be mediocre at everything cause I have no one focus. I feel like I am relearning a lot of things while also exploring new things.
I don't know if what I do now is what I'd do in five or ten years. But there's nothing wrong with me for that. It also doesn't mean that I won't ever be good at anything.
I think that what we should ask is, are we happy with ourselves for choosing this kind of life?
And I am. And I can say that now without hesitation. That's why this blog is called Fickle Relish in the first place.
It's not because I've figured everything out. I know I won't and I think that is actually the fun part!
Maybe life is not all about having found the one thing, but in the looking, in the going. Always going.