One of my "one days" became a reality.
And it didn't really sink in until a year later.
Here's what I wrote on February 12, 2023:
One day, it would be time. I will fly away. Far far far away. I will finally be at peace. No wars. No chaos anymore.
One day, I will have the courage and the means. I will not look back again. I will never let this get in my way ever again.
I will leave and that's the time when I can really start living.
Being stuck in this prison is not good for me. I know I have a choice to get out. It's just not now.
I'm not waiting for the right time to come. I'm working on arriving at the right time. I'll get there.
For now, I just need to endure it a little bit. But sooner than later, I will be free.
I remember my desparation to get out of my parents house last year.
I had known since I was a little kid that one day, I will leave. I might have not known back then how I was gonna make it happen, but I remember the same desperation my kid self felt two decades ago.
I clearly remember the feeling of wanting to runaway when I was probably ten or eleven. It was summer. I was hiding in the stack of hays that form into a cave. I run away from the house because I was in trouble for not washing the dishes right when I was told to.
I remember the view from my hiding place. It was right beside the rice fields. In front of me was this Tisa tree that I used to climb with my childhood friends. But at that time, I was alone. Usually I would be scared if I was alone in that area. But I was more scared to go back home.
While I was running into that area, my leg got hit by a small coconut shell that my mom just blindly throw my way. I didn't wash the dishes right away. My mom got mad at me. And may father got angry because of the noise and the dirty dishes and started chopping and throwing the plates.
I don't remember the pain from the hit. The bitterness comes from the pain caused by not being allowed to be a kid, not allowed to make mistakes and being made to feel scared for my life.
Now as an adult, I see all those things we did were just kids things --- so trivial a reason for a full grown man to go on full rage and make a little kid understand the feeling of being scared for their own life too soon.
While I was hiding on the hays, my childhood bestfriend came to find me. I think we were playing before that that's why I didn't want to wash the dishes yet. I felt shame that she had to see that. And I also remember smiling while trying to shrug it off and saying that I was better off dead as a joke.
Now when I think about that, I see an innocent kid who had to grow up fast, who had to brainstorm ways she can run away, and even came up with ideas that should not have been in a kid's mind. Especially not caused by the very reason she even existed in this planet.
That must have been a joke, but that was not the last time that thought crossed my mind. Quite honestly, I had a thought that if I didn't have the capacity to leave that house, there's another option.
I believed it's not right. But I kinda had a note written in my head before, blaming them for everything.
Well, that didn't happen. And honestly, I don't think I could do it. I got out instead.
In our culture, leaving your parents house is not normal unless you're getting married.
Before, I didn't believe I can fully do it. I did live away before Covid times, but I would go to the house during weekends cuz it felt like I was obligated to. I was scared that I was being a rebel if I moved out fully. I went back to the house before 2020 and then quarantine happened.
And then back to all the tiptoeing and walking on egg shells feeling. I hated all those years. Feeling like a prisoner and we had no choice.
I deserved a home, not just a house.
That was a place full of terror. It was a training ground to be a people pleaser, to lose your self worth and to live in fear as a survival tactic.
I stumbled upon this quote. I don't remember where or who said it but it says something like,
"If you want to heal, it's not gonna happen in the same environment that you're trying to heal from."
That stuck with me.
I'm teary as I write this, because despite the work I have done to heal from all that, there's still residue. I don't think I will fully heal. I don't know how many more years I need to forget the learned reactions I have due to trauma to things that are supposed to not be scary and normal.
Moving out was the best decision I've ever made.
Ten months after I wrote that journal entry, I was finally able to break free.
I found another job and I moved out two weeks later.
I started practically from scratch. I got a bare apartment. I bought all the kitchen materials, dining table, a refrigerator and chairs. I remember the feeling when I got my own refrigerator. I felt like a real adult. I have stuff that I don't feel scared to break.
I'm not restricted like an animal in a cage.
What I realized is I have been taking it all for granted.
By that I mean, I'm constantly thinking of what's next instead of appreciating what I have. I did have a different location in mind. My current place is my second option. It makes sense because my new job is here.
But I also complain a lot about my job which was the reason I could move out. Most days, I forget that. I know I'm not gonna do it forever. But I want to practice being more grateful and appreciative of what I do have right this moment.
I am grateful to have freedom. I felt least anxious since all my life.
I watch other people living alone and documenting their lives, and one question that always comes up is "What's the best part of living alone?"
For me, the best thing about living alone is I'm finally allowed to cry.
I've bawled my eyes out many nights for no reason.
There's still worry that my neighbors will hear me. But I know if they didm they won't come here and tell me to stop. They will not punish me for having emotions.
I think I deserve it. Actually, it's my right. No one has to deserve something that is their right to begin with.
I bottled it up for two decades. It's only now I'm free to let it all out. Without judgment. Without shame.
I made it happen. I finally got the freedom I've always wanted.
More than that, I got a real home for the first time.
I just wanted to stop today and think about how far I've come and appreciate the things I have and I have achieved.
My one day did happen.