You need to show up for yourself.
I know sometimes, every inch of you just wants to run away. It's like you have this default solution to all your problems. Regardless if it fixes it or not.
Get rid of this. Throw that away. Leave. Ignore. Pretend.
You've been running away your whole life. It's been that one skill that "saved" you many times.
Or so you thought.
Because everything that you're running away from runs after you. Like a shadow. They never left you alone. They are just hovering above you like a dark cloud. The moment you look up, the rain hits you like bullets.
Do you really want this life? Running away every single time it gets hard? Knowing where the exit is before you enter?
When was the last time you actually felt at peace? Like genuine peace.
It's a chaotic life.
The funny thing about it is, despite the chaos inside you, you still managed to put on that mask of I got my shit together. But this shit is all over the place.
In your job, you use logic all the time. Yet, you cannot seem to use it in your life.
Logically, you know running away will not solve your problems. In fact, you don't have solid evidence of the problem because it hasn't happened yet.
But you're already exhausted from brainstorming solutions to non-existent problems.
The problem on top of that is, you have this part of you that knows with absolute certainty how things will go if you continue to do it this way. You have tons of evidence. More than two decades of piles of evidence.
What else need to happen before you see that your way is not really working?
How many more years do you need to keep beating yourself up until you fucking see the bruise?
This is really exhausting.
This isn't working anymore. You gotta do it differently this time.
You gotta fight. You have to show yourself that you can fight. I know you can!
You know you can! You just haven't done anything at all to prove you're right.
So please, promise yourself that you will show up when your body wants to hide.
Move forward when you feel like turning towards the opposite direction.
Fight for yourself. It's called a fight because it's not designed to be easy. You have to understand that.
If it feels difficult, it only means you're doing something that's different than what you've always done. You're learning. Like how it used to feel like your fingers are getting sliced the first time you played guitar. It'll hurt less and less the more you do it.
There will always be that resistance. There will always be that pain.
But you gotta fight through all that. It'll be worth it. You will thank yourself later.
Don't stop fighting until you hear that thank you.